Under the Slush Pile

Ready for a good laugh?

Q:

"I write with the truth that is like a sword of two edges that can and will penetrate each reader and leave an impression lasting at least this life time.   The material written has power that can unite a planet for the good of mankind and earth.  It may well be the only true chance that mankind has for the long awaited evolution towards spirituality."

A:      "Dear Tom Cruise, we regret to inform you that our client list is full." 

This is just the latest example of what you'll see at Slushpilehell, a site I tumbled upon recently. I love this one but there are so many more at Slushpilehell.

Q:

"I just completed my 91st short story.  But that’s not the email I wanted to send to you. To the point, I concede (read—Uncle! ).  I don’t possess the luck required to attract an agent via query letter.  But, then, I know brilliant scholars who are terrible test takers.  You are a talented agent, likely overworked.  Think outside the box.  A single talented writer possessing eight uniquely entertaining novels and ninety-one short stories could make life easier.  Call me at xxx-xxx-xxxx.  A brief conversation will save you weeks, if not months, of fruitless query reading."

A:     "Great. A writer with 8 novels, 91 short stories, and the inability to write a query letter. 
          "Hope you’re standing by your phone, because I’d hate for you to miss my call."

Just don't laugh too hard...


[One more]
Q:
         "I am typing you this digital letter requesting that your agency  represent me in securing a top-notched publisher to produce and sell my  book."

A:
         "Hey, buddy. It’s 2011. We no longer call them “digital letters.” They’re now known as “mystical airwave bulletins.”


For more of these gems, go to http://slushpilehell.tumblr.com   and let me know if you find a jewel.

Twelve Step Guide to Getting Published

So you wanna write a book. Want to see your name in print on the spine of your book in the local Walmart or on the pages of Amazon. 

Think you can be the next J.K. Rowling, Nora Roberts, Peter V. Brett?  

How do you go about it?

Well, get your pad and pencil, I’m fixin’ to tell you how…   

1.              First, decide how much you’d like to make in a year. (This will determine how many novels you must turn in to your publisher per year.)

2.              Make a projection when you’d like to quit your day job. (I suggest you give it at least three months.)

3.              Pick a genre that sells. (How about men’s fiction - Crime Fiction or Thrillers. Those thriller writers make big bucks – Harlen Coben, David Baldacci, Vince Flynn, Dan Brown! Yeah, okay, men’s fiction.)

4.              Next, you need a plot.  Hey, here’s the beauty of men’s fiction. Just go to the Washington Post or USA Today or any local paper and pick a headline.

5.              Now tweak it. Change the names, add some extra conflict - you know, fight scenes and such. Oh, and a good no holds barred love scene, or three.

6.              Don’t have a computer? (It’s a great time to go get the Ipad you’ve been wanting, and hey, Peter Brett wrote his entire first book on his cell phone!) Either go buy one or simply right it long hand. You must use your very best handwriting though, for a publisher to take you seriously.

7.              Get a friend to look it over for spelling since you won’t have the benefit of spell checker (which completely eliminates the need for proof reading).

8.              Oh, length. It needs to be long. About 300-400 pages. (That’s about 2 composition notebooks.)

9.              Just remember, if you chose Romance, to be sure to get your hero and heroine together at the End for their happy ever after.

10.          Okay. You’ve finished the book and you’re ready to send it. How to decide on a publisher. Take a couple of your favorites and look at the publisher on the spine, or on the copywrite page. And before you prepare your cover letter, you might consider contacting your favorite author and asking him or her if you can use them as a reference with the publisher. Just assure them, they will NOT be sorry.  Promise them a recommendation or blurb for their next bestseller.

11.          That’s it. (You know a little light spray of perfume might make it stand out from the crowd in what they call the slush pile.) So, box it up, mark on the outside of the box - Attn: Next Bestseller! and mail it off.  In about a month, you’ll have your answer. <Cough> Or sooner.

12.          Now sit down and plan how you’re going to spend the money.

Did I miss anything?

 How many times have I heard from a friend or someone in the family –

“They didn’t buy your book at the conference?”

“How long are you going to write before you give up being published?”

“Are you still working on the same book? Just send it off."

Okay, reality check here!

The truth? 

Writing a book with the intent of getting it published is one of the hardest things to accomplish.

Many, many - make that three manys - of your favorite authors, the majority in fact, write into the wee hours after long hours at work and/or taking care of their families. Many published writers have written for numerous years and numerous manuscripts before getting ‘the Call’ and then…they still work, write late or on lunch hours, and take care of responsibilities. The Call (and I haven’t received mine yet ) isn’t some magical Disney ‘blinnggggg’ where life changes. Most published authors I know haven’t bought a private plane, appeared on TV, or even hired maid service.

Writing is a challenge, a dream, a passion.  I’m reminded of the lyrics by Shania Twain, 

“If you’re not in it for love, you’re outta here.”

The bottom line?   Writing is a labor of love.

I’m curious. How does this translate into your writing experience? What part of the writing passion calls to you the most? What were your biggest misconceptions when you began your career? Have you died laughing over some question or comment about this pursuit?

Congratulations, Leah!

A Published Author! You go, girl!

Who knew those fireworks last month were for you? (We did.) This is just the beginning. I sure hope I'm right behind you.

For more information on Leah's new book, and the sequel, see her blog!

Staying positive

It's tough to do, stay positive in an environment where other authors you know are completing books, selling, making the NYT list, making money and it's what you really want to do. But there's such a thing as paying your dues, learning as you write, growing in the craft and in the business. None of the other careers I had happened overnight. They all took hard work, challenge, and education. All uncomfortable stuff.

On the mail route yesterday, I was listening to Carla Neggers' and Brenda Novak's workshops on the RWA cds. What an inspiration Brenda is, but how daunting to see what she accomplishes in a short period of time with 5 children and a busy life.

Carla's advice not to compare yourself to other writers, to understand that we all have our own style and pace reminded me of something Wayne Dyer said:

"Everything is as it should be. Just because dreams aren't manifesting now doesn't mean they never will. We are exactly where we are supposed to be, everything is happening exactly as it was meant to, I am who I am supposed to be at this time."

And the ancient advice which has been proven to work over and over:

ACT AS IF. (I used to have that on my phone, and it's going back on it.)

Act as if what I want is already here, it just needs to be attracted to me - the alignment of my intention with divine purpose.

I believe I've discovered this passion for writing for a reason. As good as my singing voice is I never had that passion to accomplish anything with it, just enjoyed listening to it. So I have to believe I will succeed.